No two homes are alike–just as no two divorces are alike. You’ll see in all of the Home Stories on the Home.ology blog that divorce affects people’s relationship to their home in many different ways. The common thread in all of them, though, is that the deeper strands of a person’s self are always expressed in their relationship with home. Get comfy and read on!
A Woman and A Home Struggling to Move On–When she and her husband separated, Glenda, a stylish graphic designer in her early 40’s, moved out of the old farmhouse she and her ex had renovated into a gorgeous and modern new loft. She had lived in her new home for about a year before I visited her. In that time, she hadn’t hung one thing on the walls and hadn’t added any furniture to the place. There was literally no place for us to sit. After a year of living there, it was as if she had just moved in.
Glenda was ready to move forward in life and establish her new post-divorce identity. She wanted to make new friends and invite in a new relationship, but she hadn’t invited anyone to her house because she was embarrassed at the state of it. When we explored what was going on at a deeper level, it came out that she was reluctant to move forward in her life. She felt guilty about leaving her husband. Even though she initiated the divorce, she felt grief, loss, and regret.
For Glenda, setting up her new home would have meant that she was REALLY moving on. It would have meant that she was REALLY leaving her husband and the stable (albeit lackluster) identity she had known for over ten years. By not setting up her home, it allowed her to wallow in the ambivalence she had about leaving him. An empty house meant that she wasn’t fully embracing her decision and wasn’t fully living this new life she had chosen.
Want to know how Glenda used Home.ology to help her move forward and embrace her new identity with open arms?
Glenda liked beauty. She was drawn to nice things. Her loft was absolutely stunning with gorgeous light streaming in throughout and beautiful architectural features. It was a perfect spot to entertain friends and develop the community she was seeking. But, at the same time, it was so very empty. It was bare and lacked any expression of who she was.
Glenda knew that her inability to decorate her home reflected her difficulty moving on from her ex husband and the life they shared. She chose the divorce, she wanted it, she knew it was right. But it was still hard. And all of the guilt, shame, regret, and grief related to it was reflected in not being able to make her new home an expression of herself.
So here’s the beautiful story of Glenda’s ‘emergence’—in her home and in her life…
Glenda knew she was far from living the life she wanted to live. When she got divorced and moved into her new home she had visions of hosting dinner parties, book clubs, and brunches. However, a year into living in her new home, I had been the only visitor and she was far from building the community she wanted. Safety is a foundation of the Home.ology work. When Glenda felt safe with me and with the process, she let herself feel the pain associated with her divorce.
She realized that what was happening in her home was much more than a “decorating” issue. It was an issue of not having felt the uncomfortable feelings about the divorce. Instead of feeling them, she had expressed them through her lack of decorating! Glenda and I used art, body awareness exercises, and mindfulness to help her move through these feelings. And she did!
As Glenda started to move through the feelings, she felt more comfortable expressing herself in her new home. A big step for her was setting up the living room. She admitted to having ‘played it safe’ in her married life, but she chose a bold purple velvet couch for the loft. After working through a lot of the uncomfortable feelings, Glenda’s new work was in letting herself be OK with welcoming in the joy and excitement about her new life.
Home.ology allowed Glenda to explore who she wanted to be in her new life and how to express this new identity onto the walls of her home. Bit by bit, room by room, Glenda and I explored these deeper themes until she had the most beautiful, rich, and vibrant home. It was as if the empty house finally had permission to bloom into beauty. And Glenda herself bloomed as well. She celebrated by having a dinner party with her new friends in her new city and everyone marveled at her incredible space.
Home.ology recognizes that your ‘inner issues’ always come up in the process of decorating, using, caring for, and sharing your home. During separation and divorce, these ‘inner issues’ are often highlighted. Sadness, grief, fear, stress, guilt, regret, stuckness, hopelessness, overwhelm, anger, resentment, and confusion all play out in some way in your home. While these feelings are uncomfortable, the good news is that because the inner issues show up in your home, we can go to your home and work with the home to move through the challenges. And the process not only helps you feel better but it helps you create a beautiful and healing home environment that will support you in moving into the next phase of life.
This is Home.ology. A system that addresses the challenges of divorce from all angles. A system that’s helped others get their lives back on track and can help you get yours back on track, too.
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